Making The Emotional Shift To What’s Sacred
For years I’ve been chasing after the promise of “life balance”. I’ve participated in personal development groups, read volumes on the subject, journaled on it, meditated about it, set intentions to get it, joined mastermind groups and hired coaches to talk about it. I created life balance wheels and made bite -size goals to be more present, tend to my relationships better, nurture my health, and keep a cleaner and more smoothly-run home.
As someone who does better with structure, what typically happened is that I created lists of goals, “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”, and so many rules and expectations that failure was pretty much guaranteed. Throw in a tendency towards perfectionism, and I was toast.
The key to my failure was that I spent so much time THINKING. PLANNING. And DOING. Not that these are bad things. They’re a necessary part of being a functioning member of society.
A couple months ago I made a shift in my list making exercises. I decided to write down the things in my life that were sacred to me. And something interesting happened. I noticed that I couldn’t just intellectually THINK about what was sacred to me. I needed to sit still, close my eyes, and FEEL what was sacred to me. What does sacred feel like? Warm and centered in the heart.
The resulting list was very simple:
- My body and health
- My relationship with my husband and children
- Meaningful work in being of service to others
- A strong spiritual connection
The next step was to envision what each of these looks and feels like. I wrote a short list of statements that described how I see myself living in sacred way. For example:
- “I eat well. It’s easy for me to fix healthy meals for myself.”
- “My kids and I play together and laugh a lot.”
- “I have loving interactions with my children and husband.”
- “I have nurturing relationships with positive people who feed me energetically.”
How do I use this list? I read it often. And when I read it, I sit with each statement and let it settle into my heart. It’s not a “to do” list. It’s a “to be” list.
How does this list guide me throughout my day? Just now I stood in front of the fridge contemplating what to eat and thinking that I didn’t want to cook. And I remembered, “I eat well and it’s easy to eat healthy.” I felt this statement deep down and threw together something simple, delicious and healthy.
Remembering I want to live in the moment with my kids more often has prompted me to put the book down or turn the computer off and play a game with my son, invite my daughter to cook with me, or sit next to my husband to watch a dvd.
And remembering what’s sacred helps me forgive myself when I forget. A couple weeks ago, I spent the entire day preparing for a class that I was to teach the next day. My daughter declined invitations to join her dad and brother so she could stay at home. I took a few breaks now and again to interact with her, but always got back to the task at hand.
At the end of the day when I tucked her into bed, she burst into tears and told me she wanted to spend time with me but I was busy all day. I felt terrible and told her so. Then, I re-centered myself with that heart-centered reminder of how important she is to me and truly give her my undivided attention. I acknowledged her for talking to me about her feelings, and explained that it was important to me to be well-prepared for my class the next day. Then I asked what we could do together before she went to sleep. We spent the next hour laying high in her loft bed reading poems, and we were connected again, heart-to-heart.
Having my list of what’s sacred allows me to remember who and how I want to be. It’s not a list of shoulds or shouldn’ts, it’s not a declaration of resolutions or promises, and it isn’t a checklist of tasks or goals. I’m moving more slowly these days because I’m checking in more frequently with my heart. Living by feeling than by doing has been a powerful learning experience.
I encourage you to contemplate what’s sacred to you as you begin this new year.
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